When my firstborn was 6, I was a single parent who believed that
my whole life revolved around my daughter and her needs. I served her
breakfast, I helped her dress and never dreamed of teaching her to even tie her
shoelaces. Then I met the man who'd be my next husband, and I wanted to get to
know him better. So, when he noticed how occupied I was with my only child, he
made a few sensitive observations. His tone was gentle, he didn't sound
demanding or needy – he just felt that it was time for my little girl to grow
up – and she agreed. “I want to learn to tie my laces, Mommy.” And so, in a few
minutes, she mastered tying a simple bow. I could hardly believe my eyes!
Here are some tips from an expert about
learning that your children can do way more than you believe they can.
1. Your kids can do much more than you
think they can do. Despite all evidence to the contrary, your children
do not need your help tying shoes, zipping jackets, sharpening pencils, packing
their backpacks and lunch, or any of the multitude of other daily tasks they
expect you to do for them.
It's a good idea to take some direction
from kindergarten teachers. If you think it takes an eternity to get your
children out the door, imagine getting 20 children out the door, six times a
day. Elementary school teachers are masters of delegation, so the child
proficient at shoelaces becomes their “tying expert,” and the boy with a skill
for zippers becomes the designated “zipper helper,” and before you can say
“self-sufficient,” every child in the class has learned to tie and zip and
mitten themselves. The next time your child tells you they can’t do something,
take a step back and wait patiently.
2. It’s
not healthy to give your child constant feedback. When children require approval on every doodle, homework
problem and drawing they create, it’s most probably because they have received
a reaction on every scribble, homework problem and picture they draw. It’s
vital that children develop their own internal locus of approval and honest
self-assessment, because as they grow up and face hardship, they need to be
able to look to themselves for strength and approval. If they can’t do that,
they will be much more susceptible to the superficial external approval that
comes their way in the form of peer pressure, bullying and usual social
collisions. As you wean them off of your feedback, turn their “Mommy, is this
picture good?” or “Daddy, did I do a good job?” back on them, and ask them how
they feel about their work.
3. Teachers promise not to believe everything a child says
happens at home if the parent promises not to believe everything the child says
happens in the classroom. Experienced
teachers know that not everything children share during circle time represents
an accurate reflection of what goes on in their home. When, for example, a boy
told his entire class that a robot had come to his house and removed his
mommy’s lady parts, his teacher was wise enough to remain skeptical.
Accordingly, when your child comes home and claims that the teacher screamed
and yelled at him in front of the entire class for his low test score, try to
give his teacher the benefit of the doubt until you’ve had a chance to question
the teacher.
4. Your kids learn and act according to
what you do, not what you say. You are your child’s first and best
teacher, and they learn more from your actions rather than your words. When you
tell your child that it’s rude to text during conversations, yet you continue
to read your email while pretending to listen to them talk about their day, you are teaching him to
distrust your words and your intent, while reinforcing the very behavior you
seek to modify.
In the same vein, if you want to promote a
behavior such as a love of learning, model that, too. Seek out new knowledge
and experiences; learn something new just for the sake of learning. As one
teacher shared, “Model intellectual curiosity and a visceral pleasure in
learning. Not just the brainy stuff, but anything of interest (how to clean
spark plugs, what kinds of wood work best on a wood lathe). Show your own
interest in learning by reading, thinking aloud, wondering aloud.”
5. Teach your children that mistakes
aren’t signs of weakness but a vital part of growth and learning. Let
your children see you fail, admit to your mistakes, and talk openly about how
you have learned from those mistakes. Another teacher wrote, “Failure is part
of the process. It’s what they do after they fail that matters. If you pick
them up after their every failure, they learn nothing about how to begin
again.”
|