Last month we wrote about the
situations that arise in blended families and how desperately the new couple
want their individual families to become one.
We found so much valuable information on the subject that we divided it
into two parts. Hopefully our readers who might need to learn these guidelines
will benefit from learning from the professional opinions and case histories we
researched. Hoping these tips will remove some of the stumbling blocks
associated with this issue and help keep mingled families intact.
Nonresidential
parent issues
After a divorce, children usually adjust better to their new
lives when the parent who has moved out visits consistently and has maintained
a good relationship with them.
But once parents remarry, they often decrease or maintain low
levels of contact with their children. Fathers appear to be the worst
perpetrators: On average, dads drop their visits to their children by half
within the first year of remarriage.
The less a parent visits, the more a child is likely to feel
abandoned. Parents should reconnect by developing special activities that
involve only the children and parent.
Parents shouldn't speak against their ex-spouses in front of the
child because it undermines the child's self-esteem and may even put the child
in a position of defending a parent.
Under the best conditions, it may take two to four years for a
new stepfamily to adjust to living together. And seeing a psychologist can help
the process can go more smoothly.
It's predicted that 50% of children in the US will go through a
divorce before they are 18. Approximately half of all Americans are currently
involved in some form of step relationship. Since the year 2000, according to
the Census Bureau, more Americans are living in step families than in nuclear
families.
According to experts, it is known that our culture provides no
guidelines for such difficult transitions for families to negotiate. We learn
that our culture forms rituals and assumptions still relate chiefly to the
intact, first marriage family. The most ordinary event, such as filling out a
form or celebrating a holiday, can become a source of acute embarrassment or
discomfort for members of remarried families.
Rules
for Stepfamilies
Ten Steps for “Steps”
Step
1.
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Recognize that the stepfamily will not
and can not function as does a natural family. It has its own special state
of dynamics and behaviors. Once learned, these behaviors can become predictable
and positive. Do not try to overlay the expectations and dynamics of the
intact or natural family onto the stepfamily.
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Step
2.
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Recognize the hard fact that the children
are not yours and they never will be. We are stepparents, not replacement parents.
Mother and father (no matter how AWFUL the natural parents) are sacred words
and feelings. We are stepparents, a step removed, yet in this position can
still play a significant role in the development of the child.
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Step
3.
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Super step parenting doesn't work. Go
slow. Don't come on too strong.
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Step
4.
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Discipline styles must be sorted out by
the couple. Generally, in the
beginning, it is suggested that the biological parent does the disciplining
as much as is feasible. The couple together specifically works out jobs,
expected behaviors and family etiquette.
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Step
5.
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Establish clear job descriptions between
the parent, stepparent and respective children. What specifically is the job
of each one in this household? Be as detailed as you are in business.
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Step
6.
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Know that unrealistic expectations beget
rejections and resentments. There is no model for the step relationship
except for the wicked stepchild and invariably cruel stepmother of fairy
tales. Note the absence of myth around the stepfather. It is vital for the
survival of the stepfather to be able to see and delineate expectations for
each member of the family, especially the primary issues of upset in step:
e.g., money, discipline, the prior spouse, visitation, authority, emotional
support, territory and custody.
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Step
7.
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There are no ex-parents... only
ex-spouses. Begin to get information on how to best handle the prior spouse.
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Step
8.
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Be prepared for conflicting pulls of
biological energies within the step relationship. In the intact family, the
couple comes together to have a child. The child is part of both parents,
generally pulling the parents' energy together for the well-being of the
child. In step, blood ties can polarize a family in opposite energies and
directions.
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Step
9.
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The conflict of loyalties must be
recognized right from the beginning. The conflict is particular to step and
is a round robin of confused emotions. Often, just as the child in step
begins to have warm feelings toward the stepparent, the child will pull away
and negatively act out. He/she feels something like this: "If I love
you, that means I do not love my real parent." The feelings are normal
and must be dealt with. The pulls of "Who am I loyal to first?" go
all the way around in the stepfamily.
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Step
10.
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Guard your sense of humor and use it. The
step situation is filled with the unexpected. Sometimes we don't know whether
to laugh or to cry. Try humor.
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