We wish that our little angels will always remain cute and
adorable as when they were babies, toddlers, and preschoolers and in their
elementary school age, but one day, we might be faced with a great challenge.
Our angel turns into a rebellious teen.
It’s not unusual for nice kids who are compliant to morph
into brooding or screaming teens. A teenager is a lot like a two-year-old with
car keys – but where a toddler is learning how to be a child; your teenager is
learning how to be an independent adult. It is this in-between stage that can
be difficult as your rebellious teenager tries to decide who he or she is.
There are many ways of dealing with rebellious teens, and some methods work
better than others. Here are some tips to hopefully help parents deal with
rebellious teens and learn to understand his or her behavior.
Teens have mood swings and go from the sweet, loving son or
daughter you remember to a snarling monster in seconds. Authority is the enemy,
and parents are numbers one and two on that list. Sound familiar? Although
every person is different, there are some characteristics that are common among
rebellious teens.
- Rebellious teenagers can cause
difficulties in their own lives and their behavior often affects
the entire family. Because they are trying to find their place in the
adult world, teens tend to push the limits that are set for them and often
despair if they do not excel. Some
experts even diagnose this as a disorder called Oppositional Defiance
Disorder (ODD). Depending on the severity of the situation, there are
several ways to deal with a rebellious teen. As the parent, you must walk
a fine line between being in charge and giving teens a chance to become
independent.
How
to Deal With A Rebellious Teen
There
are countless books written on the subject of parenting rebellious teens,
but there are a few things that seem to work. As long as the teen isn’t a
danger to himself and the behavior hasn’t become destructive, putting the
following information to use might help to curb some of the most problematic
areas between the two of you.
- Define - As the parent, you must
continue to set boundaries and define specifically what is
unacceptable or abusive. Cursing and physical violence certainly fall into
these categories, and your own moral code can define other issues.
- Pick your battles
- If your rebellious teen is doing something that might be annoying, but
not harmful, decide if it is worth arguing over. You might be embarrassed
to be seen in public with your teen in those clothes or that hairstyle,
but is it really hurting anyone? Getting a tattoo on the other hand, might
be a battle you are willing to fight.
- Expect adult treatment back
- If you are speaking to your teen like you would speak to another adult,
expect the same back from him or her. If your teen yells or speaks to you
in a disrespectful tone, ignore him or her.
- You’re in charge
- No matter how much your teen is trying to pull away and become
independent, remember that you are in charge. Don’t be your teen’s best
friend – be his or her guide and role model.
To
be fair, no one has ever pretended that parenting a teenager was going to be
easy. Still, until your own kids reach that stage, it’s tempting
to believe your family will be immune to teen behavior problems. No, you tell
yourself, your teenager will never talk back, stay out too late.
Dream
on!
Experts
say that teenagers are basically hard-wired to get into conflict with their
parents. Adolescence is a
time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively. It’s the task of the teenager to fire their
parents and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than
managers.
But that doesn’t mean you have to take it lying down. With the right approach, you can
troubleshoot the following teen behavior problems in a relatively civilized
fashion.
Teen
Behavior Problem 1:
-
Your Teen Seems To Hate You
One
minute your sweet child is begging you to come on the class trip or to lie down
with her while she falls asleep. Then, seemingly overnight, she starts
discounting everything you say and snickers at your suggestions. If you look
closely, you’ll see that you’ve been through this before, when she was a
toddler — only instead of shouting “no!” like a two-year-old would, a teenager
simply rolls her eyes in disgust.
It’s difficult for parents when this happens. Yet, it is part of growing up - separating
and individuating. Many kids need to reject their parents in order to find
their own identities. It is totally normal for teens to focus on their friends
more than on their families.
Sometimes
parents feel so hurt by their teens’ treatment that they respond by returning
the rejection — which is a mistake. Mental health professionals note that
teenagers know that they still need their parents even if they can’t admit
it. Since they experience an internal
roller coaster, they put their parents through it too. As a parent, one needs
to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually
passes by the time a child is 16 or 17.
Just
because this is happening, it does not mean that your teen should be allowed to
be truly nasty or belligerent; when this happens, you have to enforce
basic behavior standards. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of:
“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” By letting your
teenager know that you’re there for him no matter what, you make it more likely
that he’ll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a
rare treat.
Communication
Devices Rule Their Lives
It’s
ironic that teenage forms of communication like instant
messaging, texting, and talking on cell phones make them less communicative, at
least with the people they live with. In today’s world, though, forbidding all
use of electronic devices is not only unrealistic, but also unkind, since being
networked with their friends is critical to most teens.
A
renowned adolescent psychologist advises to look at the big picture.
If your child is functioning well in school, doing his chores at home and not
completely retreating from family life, it’s probably best to “lay off.” It’s
also OK to set reasonable limits, such as no “texting” or cell phone calls
during dinner. Some parents prefer not to let teens have computers in their
rooms, since it makes it harder to supervise computer usage, and this is
perfectly reasonable. Many experts also suggest establishing a rule that the
computer has to be off at least one hour before bedtime, as a way to ensure
that teens get more sleep.
One
good way to limit how many minutes your teen spends talking on his cell and
texting: Require him to pay his own cell phone bills.
And do your best to monitor what your child does when he’s online, particularly
if he or she is using social networking sites. You still own the home and
computer – so check into parental Internet controls and software to monitor use
of any questionable web sites.
Staying
Out Too Late
It’s
10:30 p.m. and you told your daughter to be home by 10 p.m. Why does she ignore
your curfew again and again?
Part of teen behavior is testing limits, but the fact is
that they actually want limits, so parents need to keep setting them.
Do
some research before insisting that your child respect your curfew because it’s
possible that yours is unreasonable. Call a few of your kids friends’
parents and find out when they expect their kids’ home. Teen behavior experts
suggest giving kids a 10-minute grace period, and if they defy that, to set
consequences — such as no going out at night for a week.
If
it seems like your child is staying out late because she’s up to no good, or
doesn’t feel happy at home, then you need to talk with her and figure out what
might be going on. However, if your curfew is in line with
what’s typical in your teen’s crowd, then it’s time to set consequences and
then enforce them if your teen continues to break your rules. When you make a
rule, you have to mean it. You can’t
bluff teenagers — they will always call you on it.
Good
luck – you’ll really need it!
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