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Since the subject
of sibling rivalry is so wide range, we decided to continue elaborating with
more tips for you this month.
 Examples of
conflict and friction between siblings has been documented from biblical times
and is still a hot topic of discussion at parenting seminars, at houses of
worship, fodder for novels and at the dinner table.
The term sibling
refers to children who are related and living in the same family. Sibling rivalry has existed as long as
families. Think back to Biblical times and Joseph’s problems with his brothers
or of the dreadful time Cinderella had with her stepsisters!
 It seems strange
that whenever the word sibling comes up, the word rivalry seems sure to follow despite the fact that there are many
solid sibling relationships in families (brothers and sisters who like and
enjoy one another). However, it is the rivalry that gets attention - the proverbial squeaky wheel.
What causes
sibling rivalry?
Think about it. Siblings don’t choose the family they are born into, don’t
choose each other. They may be of different sex, are probably of different age
and temperament, and worst of all, they have to share the one person or the two
people they most want for themselves: their parents. Other factors include:
- Position in the family, for example, the oldest child may be
burdened with responsibilities for the younger children or the younger child
spends his life trying to catch up with an older sibling;
- Sex, for instance, a son may hate his sister because his
father seems more gentle with her. On the other hand, a daughter may wish she
could go on the hunting trip with her father and brother;
- Age, a five and an eight year old can play some games
together but when they become ten and thirteen, they will probably be poles
apart.
 The most important
factor, however, is parental attitude. Parents have been taught that they must be impartial but
this can be extremely difficult. It’s inevitable that parents will feel
differently about children who have different personalities with differing
needs, dispositions. and place in the family. Picture the age-old conflict of
the young child whining. “It’s not fair. Why can’t I stay up until 9:30 PM like
Jason?” Fairness has nothing to do with it. Sandra is younger and needs more
sleep. It’s as simple as that, and parents are advised never to give in to the
old “it’s not fair” strategy. Besides, when Sandra is finally allowed to stay
up until 9:30 PM, it will seem a real privilege to her.
 Many parents feel
that in order to be fair they must try to treat their children equally. It’s simply not possible, and it can
be dehumanizing If a mother feels that when she hugs one child. she must stop
and hug all of her children, hugs soon become somewhat meaningless in that
family. When Sandra has a birthday or is sick, she is the one who merits the
special attention and presents. You can be sure that the other youngsters in
the family no matter what they may say, recognize the inherent “fairness” of
the situation.
Ever since we decided that sibling rivalry is normal, we’ve
had a terrible time figuring out what to do about it. However, here are some do’s and don’ts that may be helpful in dampening sibling rivalry within a
family:
- Don’t make
comparisons. (“I
don’t understand it. When Jason was her age, he could already tie his shoes.”)
Each child feels he is unique and rightly so-he is unique, and he resents being
evaluated only in relation to someone else. Instead of comparison, each child
in the family should be given his own goals and levels of expectation that relate
only to him.
- Don’t dismiss or
suppress your children’s resentment or angry feelings. Contrary to what many people think,
anger is not something we should try to avoid at all costs. It’s an entirely
normal part of being human, and it’s certainly normal for siblings to get
furious with one another. They need the adults in their lives to assure them
that mothers and fathers get angry, too, but have learned control and that
angry feelings do not give license to behave in cruel and dangerous ways. This
is the time to sit down, acknowledge the anger (“I know you hate Dillon right
now but you cannot hit him with a stick”). and talk it through.
- Try to avoid
situations that promote guilt in siblings. First we must teach children that feelings and actions are
not synonymous. It may be normal to want to hit the baby on the head, but
parents must stop a child from doing it. The guilt that follows doing something
mean or inappropriate is a lot worse than the guilt of merely feeling mean. So
parental intervention must be quick and decisive.
 When possible, let
brothers and sisters settle their own differences. Sounds good but it can be terribly
unfair in practice. Parents have to judge when it is time to step in and
mediate, especially in a contest of unequals in terms of strength and eloquence
(no fair hitting below the belt literally or figuratively). Some long-lasting
grudges among grown siblings have resulted when their minority rights were not
protected.
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